Friday, May 23

Just when you thought things were going to get better, they get worse... Happy 21st to me... *sigh* Yes that's right folks, I broke my arm today, two days before my birthday. The hardest bone to break, just to make things worse. The radius is the bone I broke. So typing won't be an option until I get a real cast and not this temporary one, when I get back from California.

Saturday, May 31

I am home now from my lovely road trip down to sunny Southern California and let me just be the first to say that I had an absolutely fantastic time down there! This was probably one of the best birthdays I have ever had! I got to spend it with the greatest company of all... my fiancé and my two best friends. Who could possibly ask for anything more, seriously!? Granted on the drive down, I was in absolute pain due to my arm but the pain killers helped out in a huge way. Not only did they aid in the help of reducing the pain of having a broken arm... But also helped in allowing me the chance to be able to go on all of the rides in Disneyland as well as California Adventure! Our hotel was out of this world, we walked in and my mouth immediately dropped and hit the hardwood floors! It was gorgeous, there's really no other way to describe it... The pool was bad ass too, but unfortunately that was the only thing I couldn't do.

I'll update later when I have more time, for now tho it's time to go, take a bath and relax 'cos my back is throbbing from holding my arm up at an awkward angle all day.

I'm disabled, and typing up these daily entries takes me a good half an hour just for the smaller ones, the larger ones take a good hour or so just because for the most part I have to type one handed! And let me just tell you all how much fun it is.... It's not!

Tuesday, June 03

I've contemplated plenty of things as of late, and unfortunately none of them have been happy ones. Yes, things are slowing down as far as the bad news in my life goes... But at the same time, I'm fighting a huge battle with something else. Something else far greater than anything bad that has happened to me lately. That battle, my self-esteem. I wish I could say it was high, but due to recent turn of events it hasn't been. I feel like I'm in one of the lowest slums of my life right now and I cannot seem to find a way out, sure.. When I'm around my friends I seem to be so cheerful and up beat. But deep down inside of me, something inside aches. Aches for happiness and unconditional love.

Yes, Jason takes amazing care of me and treats me like the Princess he calls me. However, with having recently broken my arm.. I feel like I'm completely useless. I mean, it's bad when you have to ask for the assistance of someone else in order to tie your shoes, or to help put your pants on and zip them up. Or worse... You have to ask for help to bathe yourself in the bath, 'cos you can't take a shower due to the risk of soaking your cast, or needing help in order to clasp your bra on and wear it for the day and have someone aid in putting a shirt on over that. It's frustrating. And to top it all off, it's pretty bad when you can't even cook yourself something to eat because in order to cook anything you have to have two hands to open the gallon of milk because it's too heavy to hold in one hand and twist with the other and ends up sending these god awful pains shooting up your injured arm. Or trying to tear open a packet of ramen. Now there's a task! Biting into a plastic bag such as those is nearly impossible! I swear they package those up in industrial strength plastic!

I look over the photos from our trip to California, and the only thing I can think of is that yeah I had an amazing time. But here's this girl, with this god awful looking sling over her shoulder and around her neck holding this broken limb in a bed near her heart. It's not flattering to the naked eye what-so-ever, I mean.. Seriously, when was the last time you looked at someone in a cast and thought, "Now that person is hot!"? I sure haven't recently. From the shoulders up, I know I'm beautiful.. But from the shoulders and below, I'm a blemish. A broken doll, in need of dire repair.

And quite frankly, this halts me from even being able to look for a job. I can't get all dressed up in my suit and not wear the jacket that goes with it and expect to impress a future employer. Hopefully Tara will be able to look beyond the cast tomorrow at my interview. I can only hope and pray that she does. Because aside from the arm, Mr. Rags going out of business and leaving me jobless... Quite frankly, makes me feel pretty pathetic too. I find something I love, and it gets taken away from me in the blink of an eye. And they didn't even offer to help us out in getting other jobs, they just said.. "Our last day is the 30th of May, thanks for all your effort and hard work. There's the door." Gee... Really helps a girl feel confident in herself about finding another job, doesn't it? And all the while, I'm looking at the unemployment's website and I'm finding myself fighting against my own mind as to whether or not I should file. I know it's going to kill my pride, 'cos I swore I'd never have to depend on unemployment in order to pay my bills... In my eyes, I feel like I'm such a failure right now.

Friday, June 06

I went to the orthopaedic surgeon today and after taking multiple x-rays of my arm due to the fact St. Joe's Hospital never sent my file over to Group Health, they saw where the damage was and explained it to me. Needless to say, I broke my arm. We all knew that, however.. I bet none of you knew that I broke it in two, count it, two places! I'm a talented little one, aren't I !? My radius splinters outwards in two different places, however my arm is healing nicely according to the doctor. He also told me I should only be in a cast for another month! *knocks on wood* For now though, I'm in a long cast and in two weeks I get to have a shorter cast that'll allow more freedom in my arm at the elbow! Unfortunately they didn't have pink, so I settled for 2nd best... Blue! I'm happy and cannot wait until I can decorate the cast more! I have one drawing on it so far and that's Jason's signature smiley face. Has a goatee and spikey hair, and even the little lip tuft of hair he has under his lip. He said that my fingers are the rest of the spikey hair! *laughs* On June 19th, I think I'm going to go for a green or purple one..

Ahhhh.... The hot weather that comes in the beginning of June is finally here in Washington State folks! And let me just tell you all how happy I am! Bottom line, Jesi is a freak for heat! I love it to no end, being able to slap on a pair of shorts and a halter top or a bikini top is my idea of a way to cool down. Unfortunately the beginning of summer for me is going to be spent in a cast... *pout* But I'll survive, I'm planning on taking Bianca's advice and get a pink cast and buy a lot of sparkled glitter pens and metallic markers for people to sign it with and decorate my cast with! Perhaps it'll even match my pink sparkled cell phone case!

Gotta love the weather, that's all there's to it! Roll the windows down on your car, open that sunroof off and pop in some quality cruisin' music and hit that water front folks! 'Cos the sun is here and is going to be here for awhile now! And that means that the memories are going to be getting made really soon! And even with a broken arm, I'm going to make the best of this summer because I love it! I love spring, but I love summer most! It's when I recall times of jumping off the Purdy bridge out in my home town to cool off with all my friends from high school. Or running down the sandy beach, while the family is digging for clams and tossing a log out into the water for my pet dog to go chasing after. The best, was going into the spit with my cousins and playing on all of our little blow up rafts. Good times.

Wednesday, June 11

Today, things are going to change for me! I can just feel it! I have this air of confidence all around me and I don't know where it came from, I'm going to go out into the world today and yell at the top of my lungs that no one is going to be able to hold me back from progressing forward in my life! So Mr. Rags went out of business and has put my form of income on hold, but I was one hell of an amazing assistant manager there and the entire Tacoma Mall knows it! South Hill Mall is about to find out too and maybe South Center if I get a burning bug up my ass today!

I'm getting ready to go job hunting, and I know I look good. The cast? Fuck the cast! However, that attitude might change later on this evening but let's just hope it doesn't! I have a good feeling that luck is on my side today, and I don't believe anyone can make this smile disappear from my face!

Maybe it's the weather that's making me feel this way, it's sunny out and just beautiful. Not too hot, or too cold.. It's just, perfect. I already know the windows will be rolled down and the sunroof opened on the Prelude. That's something I actually came to being grateful for... My fiancé having bought an automatic Prelude instead of a 5-speed, or I'd really have to depend on other people to take me to the places I need to go. And we all know how independent I am, and refuse to depend on other people for everything.

(Oh, and by the way... Only 8 more days until I get a shorter cast! *wink*)

Monday, June 16

I'm convinced that blue is indeed my color, the more and more I think about it. It just makes sense. I crave for soothing sensations, sounds, and such. No matter what the tone of blue is, it can meet my every need. Whether it's the sky, clouds, water, clothing, alcoholic drinks, nail polish, jewellery, cast (*giggles*), eye shadow, chopstick, purses, under garments, bedding, candles, cars, pet toys, bedding for animals, animals.. It all does the same thing for me. I can sit here, listening to some ambient sounding music and be playing in Adobe Photoshop with blue colors and everything will seem so perfect to me. So calming, and relaxing. Never did I think that could come from having a passion for one color. Pinks have a more up-beat sensation to me, and make me feel more perky and happy. Blues just are a mellow tone to me..

Tuesday, June 17

Aside from that, finding out that I'm only getting $162 a week from unemployment makes me feel even worse. Why? Because while I have a broken arm.. It makes going out and finding a job really difficult. Not only do I know that $162 a week isn't enough to pay our bills, but with the cast being on my arm.. I know for a fact that possible employer's look at me and think I'm joking as far as wanting to work with a broken arm. They know I can't give 110% to the job, and I'm sure it discourages them from wanting to even interview me and see if I'd even be suiting for the job.. After all, the cast does come off in a few weeks!

However, I am grateful that there is one company at the Mall willing to meet with me tomorrow to interview me for either an assistant manager or actual store manager position. Which I'm totally tickled pink over, because it's even a place I shop at on a regular basis, and have wanted to work for them since I was 16 years old! But still, I can see the look in people's eyes when I just walk through the Mall.. It's uncomfortable and makes me feel like I'm about as tall as a tiny little ant. I know it's just a temporary thing, but it still effects me and makes me feel awkward and somewhat worthless. And it really doesn't help that Mr. Rags is dicking my entire old staff around as far as getting us our last week of pay! That's over $300 that they owe me and Mindee, and we're not seeing a dime of it! Mindee is close to being evicted from her apartment, and losing her car because she doesn't have her entire pay check.

I just want the stress to go away.. I want the bright sunny days of confidence and positive things to come back. I want a life of no worries, yeah... Stress and all the shit going on right now is a lesson in life, and is teaching me things for in the future, but I don't need it right now. I have enough problems!

Wednesday, June 18

YES!!!! I nailed that interview, no problem! God that's such a great feeling to have, seriously. To be able to go into the interview, and come out feeling somewhat confident and hoping every time your cell phone rings that it's the place calling to set up the 2nd interview.. And damn it, I got that phone call as we were getting off the freeway in Tacoma tonight to go to Home Depot! 10 am on Friday, my happy ass will be out in Auburn interviewing with the District Manager for my 2nd interview! I have such a good feeling about this, you guys. I haven't felt this confident in myself since... Shit, since I nailed both interviews for Mr. Rags! And that's a lot of confidence, 'cos I remember walking out of the store at South Center back in November and I just knew I had that job after meeting with Thomas, and damn it was a good feeling. That was the exact same feeling I had today when I left my interview, I knew I had it.. Hook, line, sinker.

Friday, June 20

You know what really kicks ass? Finding out that after the interview, that they're calling to check all of your job references! That is probably one of the greatest feelings in the whole wide world! Well, aside from sex.. But still! This is a great feeling! I'm all giddy now! I have such a good feeling about this job opportunity and I know when I get the call, I don't care where it is... I'm going to take it. There's a few other job possibilities I'm going to go and research on Monday too.. But I'm going to wait to hear back from this place first, just so I know whether or not to keep looking.

Things went rather well today I must say. Not only did Jason take excellent care of me at the doctor's today, I also got a somewhat shorter cast! Needless to say, it's nice to know I do actually have an elbow on my right arm.. And it's great to be able to actually itch it, as well as bend my arm when I feel like it. I can't pivot it back and forth but I can bend it. I guess the type of cast is called a "monster", it's hella cool though.. I'm feelin' it big time! *wink* Unfortunately, I have to break Jesa's heart though! *sniffle* I was originally going to go with purple as my next color on my cast, but I saw a little girl there who had shattered her elbow and was in a purple cast and it was just too dark of a purple. So I went with my original favorite color that will always be my #1 all time favorite color.. Green. It's a great color and I don't think I'll have as many issues 'color coordinating' with my clothing like I was having with the blue. (Shut up Josh, I don't wanna hear it!) It may not be a fashion statement for some, but for me... If I'm wearing something like a off magenta color, something is going to clash and I know it's going to be the cast!

The only downfall to all this is, apparently after looking at my x-rays and everything.. The doctor said that I'm not healing as quickly as he had hoped. So the cast doesn't come off in two weeks, and I don't get a really short cast like I was crossing my fingers for. I'm in this one until July 8th, which is 3 weeks, then they take more x-rays and decide if I still need to be in a cast or if I'm ready to come out or whatever! Which sucks because I'm still driving the Prelude, and not my own car.. But god it will be nice to drive my own car somewhere in the middle of July hopefully! *knocks on wood*

Thursday, June 26

I have been spending all afternoon cleaning up my apartment! And let me tell you all how difficult it is to do that with just one arm.. *wipes sweat from forehead* Scrubbing the bath tub I think was probably the hardest task of them all, because vacuuming the floor is cake, picking stuff up is cake, folding laundry is cake as well. *stops and thinks* Okay, so folding laundry really isn't as easy as I thought.. Putting items up in Jason's section of the closet was probably the most difficult task aside from the bath tub! That's why when Josh stopped by, I asked if he could hang them up for me! *beams happily* And for those of you who don't understand why exactly it is that I'm cleaning, it's very simple really. My mother, as well as Robert are both going to be staying at our apartment for the next week until after the 5th of July.

Friday, June 27

I've been doing far too much stuff in the past 15 hours. I've been awake since 5:30am, and I went to bed last night sometime after midnight, I know that much for sure.. Needless to say I was drunk after about 11:30pm last night so I really don't know when I got to bed. All I know is right now, I'm ready to crash.. I want to crawl into my bed, and go to sleep. Unfortunately, it's just way to goddamn hot right now to even consider doing such a thing. So I suppose instead I'll just leave you all with some good news I received today around noon!

I GOT A JOB! I got the phone call that I've been waiting for everyone! Remember that interview I was telling you all about last week? Where I totally knew I just nailed both interviews to the wall? Yeah well... It accomplished exactly what I wanted. I am now the assistant manager for Pacific Sunwear, also known as PacSun! I'm working out of the Super Mall for now, but I know for a fact that there is indeed plenty of advancement available for me. And if I prove myself worthy, there will be no problem moving up or to a different store in this company. The DSM seemed so excited to working with me, and well.. So am I, admit! It's crazy though if you sit and think about it. This was indeed the first place I actually turned my resume and application into after Mr. Rags went out of business. Mainly because I didn't feel confident enough in myself with having a broken arm and all, however.. Thankfully this company was able to look beyond my doubts and fears and see that I am indeed a very talented person, as well as fully capable of doing any job handed to me! No more unemployment for Jesi, goddamn I'm happy! Woohooo!

Saturday, July 05

I got a great tan started! Being in the sun so much cooked my skin, and being as how I'm obsessed with the scent of this cucumber aloe vera that I bought last year. I'm constantly putting it on my skin and so the burn has turned into a very nice tan! Now to figure out how I'm going to get some color onto my broken arm once I get this stupid cast off!

Monday, July 07

It was my first day back in the land of working, folks! And I must say, Pacific Sunwear is nothing like Mr. Rags... Janie told me a couple of times on the phone in the past, that when ever I find a new job that I will love it more than I loved Mr. Rags, but for some reason in my mind I can't quite accept that. I've got my mind all wrapped up in believing that there was nothing better than Mr. Rags, that it was the best company to work for because of all the out-going people who just had this really unique attitude that I have never been able to find anywhere else. And for the most part, the people who would shop at Rags were just as cool!

However, I think I'm going to grow to like working for this company. And there's a very strong possibility I may not be working at the Super Mall out in Auburn all that long, due to the fact that the manager for the new South Center location that's going to be opening up in August was telling me that she still doesn't have an assistant manager, and I was telling her how I was seriously interested in working at her store just because then Jason and I can commute together to work or all 3 of us can commute together being as how she lives off of South 36th & Tyler.. Which isn't all that far from where I live now!

Wednesday, July 09

Many of you know the story behind how I broke my arm, but there are also many of you out there who don't know what happened. Mainly because I truly was ashamed of how I broke it, after those hellish weeks that had been getting dished at me back in May, the 23rd when I broke my arm just took the icing on the cake. Two days before my 21st birthday, and one day before we were all going to pile into the Civic and make the 16+ hour drive to sunny Southern California to spend a week in Disneyland and California Adventure. So I felt like I was in a huge rut of depression and really couldn't dig myself out of it.

How I broke my arm was embarrassing, I was on my way to a job interview at the Tacoma Mall for an assistant manager position with Anchor Blue, that would have became available in July. Well on my way out to my car, I saw the apartment complex manager, Sabrina. Who is probably one of the sweetest, and funniest women I have known. I was all dolled up, wearing that really cute dress I had bought along with those really cute platform heels I bought, at the same time. That I had planned on specifically wearing to dinner on my 21st birthday at Rainforest Cafe in Downtown Disney District! Well, there's this grassy hill behind where I park my car in the covered parking spot in our complex and I walked over that hill to talk to Sabrina about our new little bundle of joy, my cat Nyago. Not even thinking about the grass being wet from the sprinkler systems going off at about 5am that morning, I started to talk to her and the next thing I knew.. My feet were going out from under me, my arms were going behind me to try and break the fall, Sabrina's diving after me to try and grab me before I fell entirely, and the next thing I know I'm making contact with the grassy side of the hill with my butt and both hands. However, when my hands made contact with the hill.. I heard this sickening snap go on in my right hand. I almost passed out, from the pain that went surging through my body, and I almost fainted. My body temperature sky rocketed from the pain, 'cos I'd never felt such pain before.. And the next thing I knew, Sabrina was driving me to the hospital. Came to discover that my radius, the hardest bone in your arm to break, I had broke clean across right before the cartilage.

But all that aside, the light at the tunnel is finally getting better. Why do I say that? It's very simple really, yesterday was my doctor's appointment with the Orthopaedics Surgeon. I got my x-rays done, came back into the room and the first thing the doctor told me was, "You're done!" So needless to say, I'm finally out of a cast! *does a happy little dance* For now, I have a wrist brace for the upper part of my arm where it was broken just to give it the added support. And due to the fact I was in a cast for 7 weeks, it's going to take about 21 weeks for it to fully heal to the point of it to not hurt anymore. So all in all, I'm rather happy that my cast is off.. But now that I've gone into detail as to how exactly I broke it, it's time to go slap on my suit and make my happy way out for the day.

Thursday, July 17

It was rather scary, before we went to Applebee's the other night I was doing my make-up and my hair. And I thought to myself, "Damn.. I look good!" I had my self confidence back that I had lost from having that cast on my arm for 7 weeks! Granted, the arm brace isn't all that attractive ... But at least it's somewhat of a 'flesh' tone and you can't notice it all that well. Plus I can wear all my cute peasant tops again that I have missed wearing for such a long time now! Yay! *claps*

Saturday, July 19

When we were in the mall shopping last night, I stopped in at EXPRESS to talk to Heather. For those of you who don't remember, Heather was the store manager of the Mr. Rags up at the South Center Mall. Turns out she's the store manager of the EXPRESS here at the South Hill Mall. Well, she looked so stressed so I asked her what was wrong.. Needless to say, she informed me that she's having some issues with her co-manager. After telling me the whole story, I looked at her and said, "Damn girl... Do you need any new managers at all?" Somewhat joking of course, and she looks at me for a second then says, "Actually.. I may be needing a new co-manager here really soon if she doesn't get her shit together." She then goes and grabs a job application and hands it to me, telling me to fill it out and bring it back Saturday, with my resume. I'm so excited, because I may be getting an even better job opportunity handed to me! Better than what PacSun could probably offer me, because right now.. I'm the assistant manager, which is the asshole of the management chain with PacSun. However, co-manager is a very... And I do mean, very good thing! So I'm hoping it happens, but I'm not going to cry if it doesn't. Just because she isn't sure yet. But Heather knows my skills, BB used to talk up a storm about me to her all the time. So she knows I'm good. *beams happily* And if this does pan out and I leave PacSun, this means far better pay.. Can we say, salaried!? Woot woot!

Sunday, July 20

I just got back from Steilacoom Lake! Jason's father was kind enough to take both Jason and I out there on the water for a day full of family bonding and wake boarding! Took multiple attempts for Jason to get up on the wake board, but when he did (about an hour later) it was all good! Lots of fun. I cannot wait until next summer when I'll have full use of my hand! That way I'll be able to learn how to wake board too! *claps hands* Yay! I cannot wait! There were no girls out on the lake wake boarding too, so I want to get really good next year.

Wednesday, July 23

I've been so paranoid about my wrist ever since it came out of the cast, I try to bend it and it just won't bend far enough. It's so damn stiff, and I keep thinking to myself, "What if it never moves again? What if it does move, but not enough?" These are constant thoughts that run through my mind, just because... The last time I broke a bone in my body was when I was in 1st grade. I don't remember how stiff my hand was, and even then it was my wrist that I broke, not my arm! However, I spent this morning before getting ready for work talking to someone I had no idea had broken their arm before. (And I'm sure Josh is going to comment and say, "I told you about that!" and to be honest, if so.. I forgot.) She broke her arm, but also did it in like 7 more places. So being able to talk to Ribcage (Josh's ex-girlfriend) about all my fears with my arm and such have really comforted me.

Tomorrow, after work I'm walking into GART Sports and I'm going to pick up one of those stress balls to build the muscles back up in my arm. Because right now, Ribcage worded it best, "It was ethopian looking." Boy she couldn't be more right about how my arm looks, between being stiff.. I feel like I should be on South Park with Starvin' Marvin! Anyhow, in time my arm will get better.. And major thank yous go out to Ribcage for talking with me this morning. I know I've said it a couple of times already, but it was really comforting for me to be able to talk to someone and hear what they did about their broken arm.